Monday, May 25, 2009

Rosie's back

After its unceremonious dumping from the Nick at Note roster in favor of relentless blocks of George Lopez and Home Im-fucking-provement, Roseanne is back on cable! TV Land is running the greatest sitcom of all time at 9 and 9:90 and then at from midnight to 1:30. So, great!

RIP Jay Bennett

Jay Bennett was in Wilco. He was one of the men who created "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" - one of the great records of this decade. Jay Bennett had a contentious relationship with Wilco leader Jeff Tweedy and this relationship was the focal point of the excellent documentary "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart." After Jay Bennett left Wilco, he never had the same success but this doesn't change the fact that Jay Bennett was supremely talented - a truly excellent musician and his death is incredibly sad. During his time in Wilco Jay and Jeff were like Mick and Kieth. They were partners. Those records could not have been made without both of them. Jay Bennett was 45 years old when he went to sleep and didn't wake up. We'll miss Jay Bennett.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The last thing I'll say about American Idol OR: Why America is still struggling with it's homophobia

I'm sad tonight. I'm sad that Adam Lambert lost American Idol. Here's the thing - I'm not sad that he lost the singing competition. That doesn't bother me. Adam Lambert will eclipse the winner, Kris Allen, as well as mostly every other "Idol" that came before him. Adam Lambert will be successful, but that's not what this was about...not this season.

I recently likened Adam Lambert to Jackie Robinson and initially I laughed it off as nothing more than a drunken rant, but the more I think about it, it's not that far off. Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier and was the first black player in Major League Baseball. He changed the way people thought about blacks because he excelled at something. He was the best. Baseball, in that time, was the American pastime - the most popular thing in the country. Today, not so much. Today, American Idol, for better or worse, is the most popular thing in this country and whether we like it or not it takes the pulse of how we're feeling and, more importantly, how we're doing. It's bigger than a singing competition. Now depending on who you are, this may seem like a sorry state of affairs, but that's not changing its validity. There were a hundred million votes for this thing. That cannot be denied.

Adam Lambert may or may not be gay and this cost him the title last night. He's not "out", but that doesn't matter, the court of public opinion has spoken. For some reason, in this country it's okay to be prejudiced against gays. Our politicians can continually decree that they don't support gay marriage because if they were to they would be unelectable. Even Barack Obama, guys - he has contributed to turning his back on civil rights when he came out against gay marriage and the fact that he probably isn't actually against it makes it that much more deplorable. It's spineless. It makes him a liar.

Anyway, I digress. Adam Lambert not winning American Idol is a bigger deal than surface would suggest. Here's some truth - Adam was consistently the best performer week in and week out on American Idol. He was the most daring, the most progressive - he changed the game. There was no way anyone would beat Adam Lambert, but then when push came to shove someone did. I'm not bagging on Kris Allen. He seems nice. But the American Idol? Come on.

In a year when California ignorantly voted against gay marriage, a Broadway queen winning American Idol would have meant a lot. It would have been a step forward. A change from the norm. But, it didn't happen. This isn't about how the gay community reacts to someone like Adam Lambert, either. That's irrelevant. It's about how the rest of America reacts to him...and they were so close. So damn close. But it didn't happen and that disappoints me.

I didn't want Adam to win because he's gay (or probably gay). I wanted Adam to win because he deserved to win. He was the best. Bar none. He was humble and sweet and he could sing. He was just better. And he didn't win. The best man didn't win and my fear is that he didn't win because of his perceived sexuality and if that's the case America, then we've still got a long way to go.

I know this is not keeping with the usual tone of this blog and this may sound overly idealistic and maybe even a bit condescending and for that I apologize. It's not meant that way. I just want to say, you don't have to be gay to care about this. I, believe it or not, am not gay, but I understand that this is about equality. You just have to care. You just have to be a human being. Am I suggesting if you didn't vote for Adam than you're a homophobe? Absolutely not. Kris is both talented and likable. But understand that there are people out there who did just that. Who didn't vote for Kris, but voted against Adam. We're not there yet and based on the way the season was going, I thought maybe we were. But we're close. We need to cross that threshold, though. This is a fight worth fighting.

I'll go back to being funny later, I promise.

Because Gossip Girl is NOT a twink with Zac Effron hair and also because...I love you too.

NOTE: Because I did a running diary, I needed someone to recap the glorious finale of our favorite show, so I turned to our good friend Anonymous, or Franny. And so it goes...

Ya see that?! ya like how I copied his style with the title? Well, enough of that let's get down to it...

First of all Lorianne - I do have a spelling problem, I was born premature OK!. I have learning disabilities! Would you poke fun at Donna Martin? Of course you would, but I digress.

Serena, get that tassel right out of your hair. Silly twat! Are you kidding me! At my high school graduation we didn't even receive real diplomas till a week later so they could control us at graduation. We were told that if we threw our hats, like all normal graduates do (as Television and movies would have us believe) we wouldn't graduate. I see how redic that is now for us to ever have believed. Why would we wanna throw those hats up? Someone could lose an least that's what the nuns said.

Anyway, back to GG Why in god's name would "the new girl" come to Constance on the last day of the school year before her freshman year even started just to be a bitch to cool chicks from Brooklyn who look like Courtney Love during her Versace Stage (who's gay ...ME?) IT MAKES NO SENSE!

Also..Eric's boyfriend almost being gossip girl made me furious. I yelled out in protest...LAME!

Some lines I liked were...

1.) Blair: "sleeping with the dregs of DUMBO", followed by Vanessa: "I'm standing right here!"

2.) Anything out of Nelly Yuki's Mouth.

Also where the fuck is CeCe? She's my Queen and why wouldn't she come to her granddaughter's graduation? I LOVE CECE!

Finally it's time to discuss something I know we all hate...Lily and Rufus! proposing to Lily with that wrapper or whatever the fuck that thing was was not only schmaltzy (call the schmaltz police) but it was plagiarized from like 4,0000 sitcoms, Lifetime movies, ABC movies of the week...I could go on...and those pieces of shit, they plagiarized it from a fucking soap opera...this is the exact way Luke Spencer proposed to Laura on General Hospital in 1981. I know, I know I was only a year old then but I know my shit. I was raised on soap operas! Just ask my mother, Lily Reynolds Bass...oh wait it's just Lily Reynolds.

That's all........................

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This post is about old people. There you have it.

So, Gossip Girl is over for the season and for me American Idol ended last week when the Evil Widower was bested by the forces of good (though truth be told, it really ended when Allison was unceremoniously sent home two weeks too early), so it looks like I'm going to have to find some other things to blog about.

How about old people?

Listen, guys old people are so great. They're just really funny. My favorite thing about old people is the moment when they decide to just say "fuck it!" This happens, I'm convinced, to each and every elderly person at some point. A switch just goes off in their heads which compels them to forget everything they have ever learned about common courtesy and politeness (actually a word, huh.) and because they're old and frail, we allow it to happen because, let's face it - shit's funny.

Case in point, I was at Dunkin' Donuts on Friday before going to Philadelphia to speak to a classroom full of high school girls about the finer points of comedy - which is sort of comedy in it's own right, but it was great. I nailed it. And I told this story. Anyway, back to one. Dunkin' Donuts. This may be difficult to explain so bare with me. I don't know about your Dunkin' Donuts, but most of the ones I've been to have an area where you order and then down a few feet there's a pick-up area, should you be getting something other than coffee. Well an old lady - a glorious, fantastic old lady - was standing in said area complaining to anyone who would listen to her about how there wasn't enough space for her to move around down at the pick-up area. This is hilarious, because it makes absolutely no sense and nonsense is best spouted by people to whom it makes perfect sense. And to her, it did. Of this I am certain.

Following her rant which at this point had me openly laughing, she got her coffee and said to the clerk "now gimmie a couple-a Splenda. And don't be cheap." She kept repeating this - "don't be cheap" - as a sort of mantra and I officially lost it. Here's why this is so funny. Her telling the guy, and trust me she was commanding him - this was a period-end-of-sentence-command as opposed to a period-end-of-sentence-suggestion...anyway, her telling this guy to not be cheap with regards to Splenda is so absurd. Look, if she was getting sugar in her coffee, telling the guy to "not be cheap" would make sense. You could ask for two sugars and he could short change you, it's in a communal vat and in an effort to save money he could have feasibly cheated her (though, my mother always says with regards to Dunkin' Donuts and their sugar giving - "they have a heavy sugar hand" and she's right), but there is no way to do this with Splenda. You ask for a number of Splenda and they give it to you. THEY ARE PRE-PACKAGED! HE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN CHEAP WITH IT!

In her defense she didn't specify a number of Splena. She said "a couple-a Splenda" which could have meant she was leaving the denomination up to him, but in my world and I'd assume just about everyone else's, a couple means two. If you want more, lady be specific. It's that simple. Old people are also paranoid that because they're old everyone's trying to pull fast ones on them all the time.

Old people are fascinating.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Because it's the season finale, ya'll!!!

Ok, so it's not a live blog, it's a running diary. Suck it.

8:00 Previously on..."you know, you love me." Yep, I do.

8:01 - Mara just said re: Serena - "bracelet is stunning."

8:02 - Nate called him "grandpa", just like a real boy. So much Vanessa exposition. Now, I feel caught up. She took the SATs, is going to NYU and backpacking. Why can't they do that with Dan?

8:03 - Eric is really tiny. I wonder if that contributed to his being gay?

8:04 - "I thought we were gonna match our headbands under our caps." That's one for Waldorf!

8:05 - Woah is Dan, sorry Don , Humphrey.

8:06 - Mara: "This lighting is very early 90's sitcom that is usually inside except here it's outside. Do you know what I'm saying." I don't.

8:06 - At which point I wonder if they put a wig on me and I walked really fast, could I pass as one of the "extra" graduates. Probably not.

8:07 - Cyrus! Fabulous!

8:08 - I'm sure everyone noticed, but how does Serena get away with wearing a tassle in her hair and no grad cap?

8:08 - "Gossip Girl is going down!" Oh snap. Business just picked the FUCK up!

8:10 - I hate Dani.

8:11 - "Besides she didn't say anything about us." Just like everyone else. YARI!

8:12 - "I'll run some stats." - That's one for Bass

8:12 - Rufus needs to BEAT IT!

8:13 - Mara thinks Nate's suit doesn't fit. I disagree. I wish I could find a suit that fit like that. I miss the Duchess

8:14 - "The Insider - what's that" "Uh, it's a tabloid TV show." Never thought I'd say this...but that's one for Humphrey.

8:16 - Dan just pulled a Rufus. Finally his bad behavior has rubbed off on his son.

8:18 - The Nelly Yuki eats moments are cheap, but pretty funny nonetheless.

8:18 - I am submitting it right now - gay Jonathan is NOT gossip girl.

8:22 - Knew it

8:23 - I like Taylor Momsen so much more now that I've heard her band.


8:25 - Lily is too good for Rufus.

8:25 - Really sweet moment between Blair and Eleanor. Blair looks HOT!

8:26 - Nelly Yuki dancing shots are cheap, but really funny.

8:28 - When did "the girls on the steps" become "the mean girls?" What was once so clever has now become so generic.

8:30 - "What about my headband?" "I admire it" That's one for Waldorf and one for Bass. Good show.

8:32 - AWESOME! This episode at the half way mark is just really fun. I love that gossip girl is the common enemy.

8:33 - "Like you weren't with the dregs of DUMBO!" Point Waldorf.

8:34 - Nelly Yuki is having a helluva episode.

8:35 - Enough Chuck. You're almost pure evil.

8:37 - Hello, Emmy people, it's Pat Driscoll, don't be a bunch of fucking snobs, alright and nominate Leighton Meester. She is brilliant. Funny, angry, vulnerable. EVERYTHING.

8:37 - Mara and I agree, we're done with "Chuck and Blair." It should have just happened. It didn't, so... peace!

8:39 - Mara -"Enough with your glory days Rufus."

8:44 - Blair passing the torch to Jenny is a pantheon moment.

8:45 - Dan: "I Loopt you!" Ha! My world's collide!

8:51 - "My mother married an entertainment lawyer." One for Blair. Blair wins tonight's battle.

8:52 - Worst Nate Archibald line reading ever. "What's up Dan? Vanessa?"


8:55 - "Haven't you ever heard of a foreign queen." It's Waldorf in a landslide.

8:55 - At which point I realize it's Dan's brother and flip out!

8:56 - IT IS, IT IS! YES!

8:57 - Really tied the whole Poppy thing up in a sweet little bow, huh? I couldn't be more excited about this Georgina business! This is great...

8:58 - Lots-O-Cliffhangers! They make me happy. All of them.

8:59 - Alright, fine. He gets this last chance, but this is it. Fine. I'll take it.

All in all, well... it was good. Not great. I'm excited about these cliffhangers though. Great season. It was fun. Franny's gonna guest blog this shit later in the week, so stay tuned.

Episode B
Season B+

Thursday, May 14, 2009

An Open Letter to America

Drear America,

Well it's about time. Listen, I'm still not over the whole Allison thing, but this is certainly a positive step on the road to redemption. I honestly don't care who wins now, I just wanted to see the Evil Widower bested. And we've done it! Congratulations! I like this final two and I like both guys. I think both will find success in different areas of the music industry, but most importantly - I look forward to never having to hear the name "Danny Gokey" again.

Nice work, America...finally,


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

An Open Letter to Danny Gokey

Dear Danny Gokey,

You're the worst.

I have diligently watched this season of American Idol and that is the only conclusion I can come to. You are a poor man's Taylor Hicks. Yes, Taylor Hicks is better than you. Don't believe me? You Tube Taylor Hicks' performance of "You Are So Beautiful" and then watch yours (you know, the performance which Simon called "a master class vocal" because he anointed you final 2 at the start of the season and can't turn back now no matter how much it's hurting his credibility as someone who is supposed to judge talent). Guess what Gokey? Hicks blows you out of the water.

Listen Danny, it's no secret that I don't like you. I really don't like you and I think that you've ascended to this spot unfairly in every single respect. I am positive had the producers of Idol chose not to focus on you so much during the audition process and during Hollywood week you would not be in this position. Further, I know for a fact that had you not had a dead wife, you wouldn't have made it to the Top 10. You have had only one memorable performance this whole competition and that was when you gave easily the worst Idol performance of the year last week with your awkward and tone-deaf imagining of "Dream On."

Danny, I think you're smug. I think you think you're great. I think it's embarrassing when you clap for yourself after your performances and even more so when you exclaim "Thank You!!!" to the audience as if you were some sort of rock star or Oscar winner. I hated how you screwed up your duet with Kris by effing up the words, thus effing Kris up and never owning up to it - especially after Simon said you were better than him. That was low. I hated how when Kris tried to engage you during the duet, you refused to look at him. I hate that you're still in this competition and I hate how the judges force you down America's throat each and every week especially when they gave you an "A for effort" last week, which is ludicrous. They would never have given Matt Giraud an A for effort, or Anoop or anyone else - only you. And while we're on this, if you're in the top 4 and all you can get is "good effort" you don't deserve to be there. I hated when, on results night last week you talked about how you watched your performance of "Dream On" and laughed about it. That's so condescending to the people who deserved to still be there, namely everyone else and especially to the person who was sent home that night who absolutely killed her two performances while you admitted that you sucked. You're such a dick.

I hate your necklaces and your stupid glasses and when you said "I meditated on it for a while" - shut up, Gokey! I hated when you had your hands all over Allison during the cake fight. She's a child and you're a gross, old man. I hate your dumb smirk. I hate your dancing. I hate when you pretend to act all "goofy". I hate it all.

Danny, you know a lot of people who know me may say this is just sour grapes because Allison's gone and at 17 has so much more class and talent than you. And they're not totally wrong, but they're not totally right either. Yes, I loved Allison. I thought she was great and definitely think she should have been final two with Adam. However, I was on the I-hate-Danny bus long before, and it's been documented here.

Danny,again - you're the worst. It's a travesty that you're still in this competition and, if there's any justice at all you'll be gone tonight and it will be the last I ever have to see of you. You're only shot to become relevant is winning this thing and if you win this thing, well then I quit.



Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Because...well, because I'm not even going to bother with this

I'm not recapping last night's Gossip Girl because, well because it wasn't Gossip Girl. I didn't hate it. It was fine, but if you believe what you read the alleged spin-off tentatively titled Valley Girls isn't even happening. Apparently the CW has said "thanks, but no thanks" to the new show, so who cares, right? Sure there was some Gossip Girl on Gossip Girl last night - like for example Rufus being the worst and condescending to Lily about how she didn't "know who she was." Fuck you, Rufus. Anyway, I didn't hate it, but it's not my show - should Valley Girls be miraculously rescued at the last minute by the CW I won't be recapping it...I don't think, so I'm not going to start now.

I will however live blog the finale next week. Well, if I can get home to watch it at 8 I'll live blog it. If not, I'll dvr-blog the finale. Either way - fun!!!

In the meantime, here is a video of Taylor Momsen's (that's Lil' J to you) band, The Pretty Reckless performing their first show. Guess what? It's fucking awesome. Enjoy.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Because I need to get all the money back for the new bibles.

"You can tell Jesus the bitch is back!"

And with that line Gossip Girl enters the home stretch on such a high note that even next week's "fake GG/Lily in the 80's" sneak peak can't detract from the awesomeness that has been the last two weeks! This could have been my favorite Gossip Girl episode ever. Like last week, it had a little bit of everything and just the smallest amount of Dan to make it all as palatable as possible, let's get to it...

-I'll start, however with the rough - it seems as though a lot of people are having trouble with Lily getting Serena arrested. Not me! I love it. Do I think it's realistic? Not in the slightest. Do I give a shit? Not at all. In fact, I welcome it. I like my GG ridiculous. Here's the thing - it was worth it for two reasons - 1.) Serena's mug shot = fabulous and 2.) It was done more for the Rufus drama than for anything else and I love it when Rufus is in pain, well, because I loathe Rufus.

-Also, people seem to have a problem with Serena in general this week, what with the fake pregnancy and what, at least right now, appears to be her sort of forgiving Gabriel. To this I say, Serena's an idiot. Always was. Why should that change now?

-Chuck and Blair!!! Again, Chuck and Blair!!! This was the best moment in the show's history. Did you see their eyes? These two can act, everyone. It was unreal. "Because I love her and I can't make her happy."

-Although that wasn't even the Chuck Bass line-o-the-night, that would be upon finding out that Gabriel had been running the ponzi scheme (TOPICAL!) when he says "His suits never did fit well."

-Man oh man is Nate an idiot! He fully knows he's Blair's second choice, right? So so dumb.

-Trachtenberg is a monster as Georgina. She's just great. How did she not get the spin-off? Instead we get Brittney Snow as Lily in the fucking 80's? Come on, Schwartz!

- Really funny moment between Jenny and Lily - she seems like the Twilight type...I think.

-Rufus, for a progressive 2K kind of guy gets really bent out of shape about having to rely on Lily for money. I've got news for you Rufus, she's a goddamn billionaire AND it's not even her money! Live it up, pal. Send the kid to Yale!

- I really did have problems with Lily just letting Poppy get away with it and have to say, was very glad when Serena got all pouty and "no way, man" about it.

-I loved how they were all at the Russian tea room for the meeting between G and Poppy. Because that's what people trying to pull off a scheme often do - show up places where they can be, really easily!

- Did I mention Rufus is a pussy? Oh, not in so many words - well, "Rufus is a pussy."

-I have to mention Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick again. They have unbelievable chemistry and bring out the absolute best in each other as actors. They should work their whole careers together in project after project. They should be the new Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, only sexy and not annoying.

-"They can download Kirk Cameron movies!"

-So we're all going to love Georgina after all is said and done, right? And not love her in the way I've loved her up to this point, but have to love her like she'll be a good guy? I kind of don't want to. But. I do want to see Poppy get taken down.

Alright, so this is an A+, a big fat awesome A+. I loved it unconditionally and cannot wait to see how all this gets resolved. There's nothing better than a killer finale and it looks as though that's what we're all in store for, so great!