Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This post is about old people. There you have it.

So, Gossip Girl is over for the season and for me American Idol ended last week when the Evil Widower was bested by the forces of good (though truth be told, it really ended when Allison was unceremoniously sent home two weeks too early), so it looks like I'm going to have to find some other things to blog about.

How about old people?

Listen, guys old people are so great. They're just really funny. My favorite thing about old people is the moment when they decide to just say "fuck it!" This happens, I'm convinced, to each and every elderly person at some point. A switch just goes off in their heads which compels them to forget everything they have ever learned about common courtesy and politeness (actually a word, huh.) and because they're old and frail, we allow it to happen because, let's face it - shit's funny.

Case in point, I was at Dunkin' Donuts on Friday before going to Philadelphia to speak to a classroom full of high school girls about the finer points of comedy - which is sort of comedy in it's own right, but it was great. I nailed it. And I told this story. Anyway, back to one. Dunkin' Donuts. This may be difficult to explain so bare with me. I don't know about your Dunkin' Donuts, but most of the ones I've been to have an area where you order and then down a few feet there's a pick-up area, should you be getting something other than coffee. Well an old lady - a glorious, fantastic old lady - was standing in said area complaining to anyone who would listen to her about how there wasn't enough space for her to move around down at the pick-up area. This is hilarious, because it makes absolutely no sense and nonsense is best spouted by people to whom it makes perfect sense. And to her, it did. Of this I am certain.

Following her rant which at this point had me openly laughing, she got her coffee and said to the clerk "now gimmie a couple-a Splenda. And don't be cheap." She kept repeating this - "don't be cheap" - as a sort of mantra and I officially lost it. Here's why this is so funny. Her telling the guy, and trust me she was commanding him - this was a period-end-of-sentence-command as opposed to a period-end-of-sentence-suggestion...anyway, her telling this guy to not be cheap with regards to Splenda is so absurd. Look, if she was getting sugar in her coffee, telling the guy to "not be cheap" would make sense. You could ask for two sugars and he could short change you, it's in a communal vat and in an effort to save money he could have feasibly cheated her (though, my mother always says with regards to Dunkin' Donuts and their sugar giving - "they have a heavy sugar hand" and she's right), but there is no way to do this with Splenda. You ask for a number of Splenda and they give it to you. THEY ARE PRE-PACKAGED! HE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN CHEAP WITH IT!

In her defense she didn't specify a number of Splena. She said "a couple-a Splenda" which could have meant she was leaving the denomination up to him, but in my world and I'd assume just about everyone else's, a couple means two. If you want more, lady be specific. It's that simple. Old people are also paranoid that because they're old everyone's trying to pull fast ones on them all the time.

Old people are fascinating.

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