I can't believe he named his record Cardinology.

Since the release of Heartbreaker in 2000, I have consistently purchased each and every Ryan Adams record. Some people think this is crazy. How could I stay with this guy? He puts out too many records and said records are wildly inconsistent, some bordering on straight up horrible. This I can't deny, but when Ryan Adams and I met on that cool fall day in September of 2000 when I purchased Heartbreaker, (the meeting here is metaphorical) a turbulent relationship began and I can't walk away. In many ways I'm like an abused spouse constantly making excuses for him or defending him to those who look only to bash.

The hardest thing about being a Ryan Adams fan is the man himself. He doesn't make it easy. I've heard sobriety has mellowed him, but let's face it, for a long time - dude was a dickhead AND his records were so uneven AND he was releasing so many of them - It was a tough time. I will insist, however, that on each and every one of those records, save 29 which is an absolute disaster, there were a few classics that sometimes seemed to make the purchase worth while. While I'm on this topic, I'll also say that his most maligned record, 2003's Rock 'n Roll, happens to be one of my favorites of his so maybe I'm the wrong guy to talk to when it comes to ole RA.

Think about it though, Demolition has "Dear Chicago", Jacksonville City Nights has "Hard Way to Fall", Love is Hell has "This House is Not for Sale" and "English Girls Approximately" Easy Tiger, which most people were pretty positive about, has "Goodnight Rose"...there's always something. This isn't even mentioning Cold Roses which is obviously bloated as a double album, but cut out the filler, make one record and you've got a classic.

I guess that's always been the knock on Ryan though. If he released nothing but EPs. he'd be great. Not every song he writes needs to be on the record. And I guess that's true, but I kind of like that the records are flawed. And not in a "well, I'll just delete the undesired songs from my itunes and make that perfect ep for my ipod" type of way. No, I like to listen to Ryan Adams records as whole statements because it seems like nobody makes them like him anymore (though this last Jenny Lewis record has come pretty damn close).

Most artists are content to put out a record they know only has four of five good songs. It's all they need in this day and age of digital downloads. Or they're the exact opposite and they're so concerned with making a perfect record which sometimes happens and when it does (the last two Okkervil River records, The Hold Steady catalog, Dear Science) it's great, but more often than not it doesn't and it comes off pretentious.

Ryan Adams doesn't concern himself with all that. My man has feelings and needs to express them whether you like it or not. Ryan Adams records are like puzzles - piece together Ryan's psyche or how he's feeling this season. Sure, it's self indulgent, but he's also one of the few remaining rock stars and that's pretty great.

Having said all this Ryan Adams released his latest record, the unfortunately titled Cardinology, this week and for every critic saying Ryan's in top form and this is a return to his roots - don't believe the hype. First of all, what are his roots really? Has he ever really strayed to far from them? Even his biggest departure, Rock 'n Roll, sounded like a Ryan Adams record. Sure, it sounded like the Replacements aping Ryan Adams, but it was still Ryan Adams. Second, Cardinology has about five classics, a few decent songs and the rest is filler. It's a Ryan Adams record after all and I kind of take comfort in that.

There's no point in reviewing it. You're either with the guy or you're not. As for me, I'll take a "Cobwebs" if it means I can have a "Crossed Out Name"or "Fix It" virtually any time.

Breaking up is hard to do...seriously...really hard

It’s no big secret that I love television. I love it a lot. Probably more than anyone should. I mean TV’s bad for you, right?

Either way. Last night I had a serious discussion with my DVR who was getting a little bit annoyed with me. You see, I was almost at capacity, which is crazy I know, but I was and I had to make some difficult decisions last night.

It all started with Mad Men. I really like Mad Men. I own the first season on DVD and am making my way through it. It’s slow going though because I’m not really home that much. When the second season started this summer I decided I would DVR all the new ones and watch them when I made it through season 1. Season 2 just ended and it never happened. So, last night I divorced myself from Mad Men Season 2. I erased it all. I figure by the time I actually finish season 1, the season 2 DVD will be out and I can just do it that way.

Clearing Season 2 of Mad Men off the DVR wasn’t even the toughest decision I made last night, either. It hasn’t been an easy TV season for me. See, I watch a lot of sports and a lot of pro wrestling which makes it very hard to keep up with episodic television which hurts and now with Inside the NBA returning - forget it.

So, I broke up with Fringe after the pilot. I like the pilot fine, but not enough to give it the “Save Until Manually Erased” option on the DVR. Which meant, sorry Fringe you’re out. I didn’t even go on one date with Privileged, which I am sad about as I think I would have really liked it in a very Gilmore Girls-y way, which is to say a lot.

Then there are shows that regardless how bad they are I still stick with. We all know how I feel about True Blood, but even worse is Heroes. Heroes has gotten so bad and yet I can’t stop watching it. My devotion to these shows forced me to divorce some shows last night and I am not all that happy about it.

-Greek. I deleted about five back episodes of Greek, but left last nights finale because I’ll probably still watch it. Unlike a lot of shows Greek’s “previously on” catches you up pretty quick. I never expected to like Greek as much as I do, but it’s charming and the characters are likable and nice, unlike Gossip Girl and 90210 - both of which I’m still devout, which maybe says something about me. I figure, I can catch up on Greek in some marathon form at some point or another so…

-Sons of Anarchy – This decision was actually made a few weeks ago, but it’s still stinging. I loved the pilot and even got around to the second episode. Then all of a sudden I blinked and there were four backed up on the DVR. I will watch this on DVD because I think FX does some of the best shows and I loved watching Katey Segal play evil. She’ll probably win an Emmy.

-Dirty Sexy Money - I didn't watch last season, but was intrigued enough to try and give it a whirl this season. I never did. Byezees.

-Pushing Daisies. Yep. This one was tough, but I looked and saw three back episodes not to mention the one that’s premiering tonight and thought “absolutely no way I go back and watch these.” I loved the first season. I was really excited it was coming back and now if it gets canceled (which is likely) it will be my fault. That brings me to another point, if the network is going to cancel something I need to get out. I get too hurt. I am still bent out of shape about the CW canceling Veronica Mars.

-Chuck. This one was actually the most difficult show to break up with. I really like Chuck, but in the end I feel like I can come and go with it. I get it, you know? I don’t need to see every single Chuck. Right? In all honesty I deleted all of these shows in an effort to keep all the Mad Men and then in a quick burst of action just erased all the Mad Men. In retrospect I could have kept the Chuck’s and I’m kind of mad I didn’t. I know, I can watch them online, but I won’t. I hate that.

Like a Bass out of hell

I didn't write about Gossip Girl this week. Not because it wasn't good, it was fine, but because I just didn't have time and then when I did it was too late. Everything had been said.

Having said that, though... Really? Lil' J gets a drastic new look and they barely touch on it. Oh, just another day in the Humphrey house I guess. I can't wait until Jenny ends up a cokehead. It has to happen, right?

Oh! And Agnes? That's such a writer name for a model. The next one will be named Sophie.

I also hate Aaron - he makes Dan look good. Dan, who, after last week's "almost-did-it" attempt to make me like him, I still hate. I love how the GG writers gave Aaron as many hipster accoutrements as possible. Big Ole' glasses - check. Urban Outfitter Scarf - check. Ironic moustache - almost check. He is to hip-sters what Vanessa is to hip-pies. Apparently any character that can best be described with a "hip" prefix is destined to wear a lot of accessories on this show.

Does anyone else find it weird that these high school kids manage to "go and have a drink" and then actually go to a bar, sit AT THE BAR and have a drink? I guess it's all about suspension of disbelief, but I went to a private high school in Manhattan and when I was 16, and this is a true story, I was turned away from seeing Jerry Maguire at the movie theater on 86th and Lex because it was rated R. Swear to god!

Lastly, even I found it weird to watch Lil' J dancing around in her bra. She was very awkward and clearly uncomfortable.

That's it.

the episode was fine. Not as good as last week. B.

Because draining Stephen Root's blood just seems mean.

Here’s a weird twist – I actually didn’t hate True Blood last night.

Relax, I still can’t stomach Tara and all of her rage and I’m slowly starting to think Sam is probably the worst character currently on a television show I watch regularly (which is saying a lot because I watch Heroes, which has Mohinder Suresh, Maya and Matt Parkman and Gossip Girl which has Serena Van Der Woodson and Rufus Humphrey), but for some reason, I wasn’t filled with rage at the conclusion of last night’s episode.

Yes, I still wince a bit every time Alan Ball forces Lizzy Caplan and Anna Paquin to show their boobs for absolutely no reason whatsoever – not that I’m complaining their boobs are great - but it just seems a bit much at times and yes, Bill’s line reads are still unintentionally hilarious, but something about last night resonated a bit and I think I know what it is…

Jason.

Unbelievable, I know but I really enjoyed Jason Stackhouse last night and think I may have been a bit hard on Ryan Kwanten (that’s the actor’s name. I just looked it up) with regards to his acting. I found him oddly affecting last night and his scenes with Lizzy Caplan were almost sweet.

I’m pretty sure the episode wasn’t as terrible as usual because it wasn’t as heavy handed. They really let the characters tell their own story through contemplative moments rather than beating me over the head with their “message”. They weren’t pushing. It felt relaxed, like it’s starting to fit.

Like when fake Benicio Del Toro proposed to the red headed waitress outside the truck. I fully expected a vampire to come out and kill one, or both of them. But, that didn’t happen. It was just a nice moment that was allowed to breathe. I was on board with it.

Tara’s mom is still really bad though.

Stephen Root was also great. Finally a vampire besides Bill we can like. I really find this character interesting. He’s not a sex pervert or evil like most of the other vamps. He’s just a lonely guy looking for someone to love him. I’m actually quite interested to see where this storyline goes.

Shit! am I starting to like True Blood? I really don’t want to. Not at all.

The best part of the night, however belongs to Adrienne. She had some real problems with Bill emerging from the ground all dirty and immediately having sex with Sookie. She was so concerned about how dirty Bill was and how that would affect Sookie’s intimate parts. She couldn’t let it go and therefore the True Blood quote of the week does not go to any of the characters on the show, but rather to Adrienne who said

“Alright, fine! Good luck not getting a UTI”

Oh and before I forget, the detective calling the nudist colony was pretty great and his brother is Zach from Gilmore Girls which I can support because he’s pretty great as well.

All in all the episode rates a B, which is really high. God, I hope it sucks again next week, it will make life so much easier.

CMJ Nights 1 and 2

So, I managed to get a press pass for the CMJ festival. If you’re unfamiliar, the CMJ festival is a music festival which takes place in New York for five nights. Hundreds of bands come and play in dozens of small clubs throughout the city. And I have a press pass! Which means I can go to any show I want, more or less, for free!

Awesome!

Actually, not so much.

The CMJ Festival was tailor made for me and a few short years ago, this press pass would have been the greatest prize in all the world. I would have gone to every single show I could, stayed up well past 2-3 in the morning, had a hundred beers and would still get up the next morning for work and another night of doing it all over again.


I haven’t gone yet and it’s night two. I’m not going tonight. What did I do instead? I came home popped open a can of PBR, heated up a smart one and am watching the World Series, which is easy because I have no rooting interest.



I can sit here and just enjoy some well played baseball without resorting to becoming a crazy person because David Wright struck out with men in scoring position.

What’s happening? I’m going to attempt to figure that one out.

1.) For starters I find it overwhelming. There’s so much going on and even with the press pass you may not get into a show due to venue capacities and that’s annoying.

2.) It’s expensive. Sure the passes make getting into the show free, but once you’re in the venue you’re susceptible to over-priced watered down drinks. Now, I know what you’re saying mom, “Patrick, you can go to a show and not drink.” “Oh yeah. Really? Impossible.”

3.) Hipsters. ‘nuff said.

4.) It’s hard for me to commit to see bands I’ve never heard of. I used to relish discovering new bands – it was great. Now, I want to know some songs and if not there had better at least be some buzz. Last year, Bon Iver managed to set in motion his selling out Town Hall for two nights thanks to some killer, much buzzed-about CMJ performances. People were talking about them before they happened. I haven’t heard boo about any of these bands.

5.) I live in Astoria. The Lower East Side is basically the farthest place away in the world, so if I leave at 2am, the earliest I’m getting home is 3.

6.) I’m getting old. I’m 28. I’m still pretty young and I will go out on a Tuesday or a Thursday until real late, drink a whole mess of beers - no problem. But that’s one night. Not five. I can’t swing five anymore.



You know what though, It’s actually not that bad. And even if I don’t see one CMJ show, I got a really nice CMJ tote bag. It’s big and it says CMJ on it, so it looks like I went. Which means I’m still pretty cool.

Hey you guys, Sarah Palin hates women.

This is kind of rough, even for me. But, it's also pretty true...

Let the blacklash begin!

So, last year Of Montreal released a stone-cold classic record called Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? as well as a pretty brilliant companion EP, Icons, Abstract Thee. The indie rock world rejoiced. Of Montreal were officially forgiven for "Let's go Outback tonight" and indie rock arbiters pitchfork loved the record so much that not only did they rate it an 8.7, they named it the fifth best record of 2007. You know what that means, right? There must be backlash. Their new record, Skeletal Lamping, rated a paltry 5.9 on the pitchfork scale. This coming after weeks of positive buzz and the release of the fantastic single "Id Engager." I haven't heard the record, these days I'm a bit too poor to buy records and I tend to frown on illegal downloads, but I'll guarantee you it's not a 5.9. I'm positive. Indie music critics are the worst. They build bands up just to tear them down. It's kind of sad.

Because I want to hear you say those three words. You know eight letters, three syllables?

Wow. Gossip Girl was so effing good last night! Like, it may have been the best Gossip Girl ever! They really put it together last night. Everyone was represented in some form or another, it wasn't any-particular-character-heavy or light for that matter. It was, truly, just right. Here are some observations.

-I’m coming to think maybe a Serena-less Dan Humphrey isn’t an aberration. I actually liked him last night. Well I shouldn’t go that far. I like the scene when he called Nate on the phone to prove to Jenny and Rufus that he has guy friends. Line of the night – “Love it!” I did kind of hate him at the end and thought Nate was totally in the right when he told Dan he wasn’t his charity case. Mind your business, humdrum Humphrey.

-I'm going to completely gloss over the entire Dangerous Liasons plot line. Not that I didn't love it, it just doesn't need to be talked about.

-Lil’ J didn’t seem so much like a deer in the headlights with regards to acting last night, which was refreshing (though scenes from next week look pretty bad).

-I only complained once last night and to my embarrassment that complaint was “Chuck just isn’t being sexy enough.” He wasn't, it was all squnits.

-Blair had a relatively weak show, not in terms of strength of Blair’s scenes, but just Blair. She seemed weak, which a lot of people will complain about. Me on the other hand – as much as I love bitchy Blair, I kind of love vulnerable Blair too. It also makes you realize that Holy Shit Leighton Meester’s an actual actress.

-Serena was annoying. The youzh. I’m not the first person to acknowledge this blogily (It was in the New York Magazine recap this morning) but I noticed it to so it’s worth mentioning. When Serena showed up at the Bass-Van Der Woodson family party in that dress with no top, I totes expected Bart to punch her in the face. Instead he said “you look nice.” Unbelievable.

-It was really funny how Nate just happened to leave the House Seizure notices in the front of his house while simultaneously trying to pretend that everything was okay. Normally, I would call bullshit on this, but it’s Nate and I totally believe he’s that stupid.

-Did anyone notice how long it took for the hot dog guy to give Nate his drink? Enough time for Dan to give Lil’ J the entire story about Nate being almost a hobo. That’s a long time.

-I always really like Lily, put they really made her a monster last night, no? I wasn’t a fan. She can be imperfect without having to be a completely negligent mother.

-I can’t get a beat on Eric. I mean, I like the idea of the character, but that actor is such a classically trained annoying kid actor, which doesn’t work for something as bubblegum as Gossip Girl. It rings so false. You’re not doing Shakespeare kid. Relax.

-How about that magical negro? He’s gonna save Chuck!

-No high school kid cares about the overtaking of real estate. None.

-I think there needs to be a definition for "the Vanessa face". I mean it's always so pouty and judgy. Discuss.

-That last scene with Blair and Chuck was super hot. It made me feel dirty.

The episode rates an A+

First BYOP, now this!

Earlier this week a band I really love announced they were calling it quits. Throughout their very short tenure, Sheffield, England’s The Long Blondes released a handful of stellar singles and two full length records on indie stalwart Rough Trade.

Today, those singles have been collected on a compilation called, well, Singles.

It’s the definitive Long Blondes disc. You should buy it. It’s great and if you’ve been a fan of this band, the news of their demise will surely be met with sadness. Especially, if, like me, you never got a chance to see them live. I had tickets to their co-headlining tour with the Gossip, but then Rick Rubin made the Gossip cancel that tour. Just another reason to hate Rick Rubin, you guys!

The Long Blondes have not broken up because of creative differences or because the band members hated each other – nothing salacious at all. The Long Blondes have “called it a day” because four months ago guitarist Dorian Cox suffered a stroke and may never be able to play again.

It’s sad, for sure, but the music will continue to exist and hopefully people will continue to discover the Blondes. A lot of fans of those early 7”s were put off by their debut full length, Someone to Drive You Home because it was a bit more polished. I never subscribed to that. I love that record. I think it’s a from top to bottom classic and can’t recommend it enough. It’s mix of girl group melodies and punk rock swagger was immediately catchy for sure, but the record resonated for me to the point where I still go back to it quite often.

Their next record, Couples, was a real revelation. It sounded different. The immediacy the Blondes portrayed on Someone…, while still a factor took a backseat to more challenging material - an unexpected sonic palette that relied less on pop-punk’s sheen and more on post punk’s artsy pretentions. But in a good way. Some were put off, but for the most part fans welcomed the new direction of the band. It was a direction that suggested we may never know where the Blondes would go next.

Unfortunately, now we never will. They will have to live on in just two great records and a perfect singles collection. I’m not sure how many people fell in love with this band the same way I did, but I hope that some still may.

Because I got a demon inside me, that's why.

I’m really starting to enjoy writing about True Blood. I don’t enjoy watching True Blood nearly as much, but I have to say the unintended camp factor is starting to get me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate True Blood…fully and absolutely, but it has become a case of “the show I love to hate.”

Maybe it’s pompous of me, maybe I’m being condescending but really I don’t care. True Blood makes me feel better about myself. It makes me feel smart. So thank you Alan Ball for creating a show so devoid of intelligence and honest emotion, a show chock full of characters so vapid and loathsome that they make Nate Archibald look like Lou Grant. Oh thank you, Alan Ball, thank you so much.

Now on to the nonsense - I submit to you the scene wherein Tara’s demon infested mother attempts to get a bank loan to fund her exorcism as perhaps one of the worst scenes in recent television memory (is that real – recent television memory? Whatevs) I can’t really get into it if you haven’t seen it, but it had all the hallmarks of awful True Blood moments – overwrought, poorly acted, stinking of faux-righteousness. I can’t shake it. I’m pretty sure that whenever I think about True Blood from here on out, I will think of that scene. - a scene that has nothing to do with vampires.

Speaking of vampires, every time Bill comes on screen I say “Sookie” with that same breathy delivery much to the chagrin, I’m sure, of Adrienne, who I think still kind of likes the show.

In case her mentioning it around 1,000 times in last night’s episode wasn’t enough – Tara’s mom has "a demon inside her".

I fell asleep during the exorcism. Literally. There was an exorcism on a television show and it was so boring that I fell asleep during it.

Apparently Tara’s living with "a demon inside her" as well. Maybe that’s true but the real demon is whoever dresses that poor actress. She always looks pregnant. I honestly cannot tell if she’s pretty or not.

You know who is pretty though? Lizzy Caplan (and she bears a strong resemblance to the WWE wrestler Melina – google image it) and I already feel bad for her. I shit you not, she doesn’t have ten minutes of screen time before Alan Ball gets her topless and on top of that no-talent actor who plays Jason.

I’m going to be getting on a soapbox here for a minute. I apologize in advance...

There’s no question that the vampires on True Blood are unsubtle stand-ins for gay people. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s really starting to rub me the wrong way. How are gay people not utterly offended by this show? How has GLAAD not put out a statement urging gay people all over the country to boycott this show. Let me put this in perspective – the vampires on True Blood are unrepentant sexual deviants who use mind control and other underhanded tricks to capture humans, drink their blood and keep them around as slaves of sorts until they’ve run out of use for them at which time the vampires just kill these people. Defenders of this show will probably point towards Bill to make their point that the show is not homophobic. To which I will reply, one semi-decent character doesn’t cut it when every single other vampire on the show is utterly and inarguably evil. Wasn't this show supposed to open our eyes to our ignorance regarding homosexuals in this country. Weren't we supposed to be rooting for the vampires? When those rednecks threw all the Molotov cocktails into the vamp nest last night, I kind of cheered. I mean, the vampires on this show are really bad.

Oh and in case the metaphorical gays weren’t bad enough, the one actual gay person is a drug dealing asshole who videotapes himself dancing in a gold thong and then presumably sells the tapes or puts them on the internet.

Is this how the openly gay Alan Ball views himself and other gay people? If so, this dude needs therapy.

What else? What else? What else? Oh Sam was running in a field naked. Because he’s that dog. Everyone knows. Reveal it already.

Sookie's uncle molested her and this reveal gets the award for True Blood quote of the week:

(paraphrased as I didn't actually write it down)

Bill: "What did he do?"
Sookie: "Just touching, not as bad as some girls got."

Runner-up: Tara to Sam regarding her relationships

Tara: "Maybe I'm just unboyfriendable."

I suspect it's those matronly tops, Tara. Nothing more.

It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen

Whenever I see something really funny, I think it deserves mentioning thus the new column. I really love The Office, like most, but sometimes I find that while it's funny I don't actually loose it. Well, last night's episode made me loose it. Now, I have yet to even see the whole episode but the first two minutes are brilliant. Possibly the best cold open in Office history. This is undeniably one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

I'm going to really be writing about music a lot now...

Having said that...

I’m re-falling in love with Lucinda Williams. Williams’ just released Little Honey is reaffirming something I’ve said many times in the past - Lucinda Williams is the best living American songwriter.

I first came across Lucinda Williams when Rolling Stone magazine, a publication I once revered, gave her record Car Wheels on a Gravel Road a perfect five star review. I bought the record, though prior to this I had very little affection for country music, and was floored. It’s a beautiful record with no flaws. If you haven’t heard it, you really should. In fact if someone held a gun to my head and said “what’s your favorite record of all time” (which is actually a ridiculous scenario that people tend to overuse – no one would threaten to kill you and then agree not to just because you answered the question “what’s your favorite record) I would probably say Car Wheels on a Gravel Road. Just thinking about it makes me smile and listening to it, has been one my life’s more pleasurable experiences for nearly a decade.

The beauty of Car Wheels is that it made me seek out earlier Lucinda material, which is almost equal in quality and further, it forced me to seek out numerous great country acts that have since become some of my favorite musicians and as a whole the genre, when done right, is one I respect greatly and count among my favorites.

Following Car Wheels, Lucinda released three records and a stellar live collection (which contains the definitive version of her great song “Change the Locks”) before Little Honey. The studio records are hit and miss for me, with 2007’s West being probably my least favorite. I’ve never soured on Lucinda though, since she made what I consider one of the greatest records ever and Essence and World Without Tears certainly have a great number of high points (“Over Time” and “I Envy the Wind” on the former and “Those Three Days”, “Sweet Side” and “Real Life Bleeding Fingers…” on the latter), but nothing grabbed me like Car Wheels.

I’m not sure if Little Honey is that record either. It’s a very different record. It’s a happy record. Car Wheels took years for the perfectionist Williams to complete and all that labor and hardship is represented in every syllable and guitar strum. Car Wheels is a record you feel, a record to connect to, honestly it’s a record you immerse yourself in.

Little Honey on the other hand finds Williams happy and in love, something that has eluded her for most of playing career. I find it looks good on her. Little Honey is rambunctious and snappy, but with that knack for storytelling and that flawed but fabulous voice of Lu’s that I love so much. At her best Williams writes songs that read like short stories about very regular people, not unlike Bruce Springsteen. The main difference between the two artists, up to this point, has been Williams penchant for playing up the melancholy whereas Springsteen’s best songs find hope amid the turmoil. Lucinda is hopeful now, but I don’t think it’s dulled her edge as a songwriter. It’s a change, but it’s a change I for one am welcoming. When I listen to Little Honey I enjoy myself. While some of her recent records have been, at times, chores to get through, this one isn’t. This is not to suggest that Lucinda is becoming a pop artist, not at all. She’s probably not going to have a hit off Little Honey, but I can guarantee if you’re a fan you will want to listen to Little Honey rather than view it as an obligation.

This is an actual email I wrote to friends following last night's Project Runway finale

(NOTE: I'm changing nothing from the original email, sent to my roommate Mara and in a modified version to Brooke, so if there are grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes keep in mind, it was an email and written in haste.)

Alright,

Well, I know you were all swoony over Leanne's collection, for me - meh. Here's my thing. I get it. Meticulously crafted. Beautiful. I know. Not for me. I mean, Jesus Christ, how many waves do I have to look at. She is a great craftswoman, but to me, and I am fully aware that the only thing I know about fashion comes from Project Runway so I'm mostly ignorant, it's just not that creative. The first one, sure maybe even the second and the third but by the eighth and ninth and tenth petal outfit, I'm out. I know you're gonna say she did a lot of different things-there were pants, shorts, skirts-whatevs. They all looked like fucking wave pools no matter how well sewn.

Korto - I liked it, but that's it. I didn't feel very strongly about it either way. That green dress was really nice. I really like her. She is by far my favorite person on the show and her daughter is dead cute. But that's all I have to say.

Now I'm going to defend Kenley so be prepared.

Before I start, I want to say again that my knowledge of fashion is very small, miniscule at that. I only know what I like and I like Kenley. Kenley, for me, is the most creative of the designers and one of the things I liked most about her collection were the missteps. To me personally, Kenley has so many ideas in her head and when they spill out sometimes there not good and sometimes they're beautiful. There's almost no in-between. She's an artist. She's Radiohead to Leanne's Coldplay. Now, I know nothing about these other designers, so I haven't seen the things they are claiming she copied, but I believe them and figure that this was Kenley's undoing and deservedly so. I do also believe that she is unaware of these other designers-which works both in her favor and to her detriment. She should absolutely know these things and more than likely because of that didn't deserve to win. She did, however deserve to be the runner-up.

I won't complain about Leanne's win. She deserved it. That doesn't mean I'm ever gonna stop thinking she's super boring and I will forever make fun of "Let's take this baby for a ride".

Also, remember when they were at the model casting and Leanne was like "it's really annoying when Kenley tries to tell me which models would be best for my collection" or whatever? Here's the translation "It's really annoying when Kenley tries to help me."

Kenley was really trying hard to mend some fences there and it was clear no one was gonna give her a break. That's some catty shit motherfucker.


One final note: I did not think it was fair to have Tim Gunn be the judge. I love him a lot and I do believe he remained unbiased, but I think it put him in a very weird position and seemingly only said nice things about everybody when some serious critiquing needed to be done.

I give the season a C

Come with it, girl.

An apology to my wonderful roommate

It has been brought to my attention via a comment my roommate left on my initial OMFG post, that I may have slighted her. The unintentional slighting came when I said “All the Gossip Girl peeps that matter are going to visit Yale tonight.” Why was this a slight? Because whenever we talk about which character we most relate to, Mara always comes up Vanessa and Vanessa didn’t go to Yale last night. So, in effect I kind of, though I didn’t mean it, suggested that maybe Mara doesn’t matter. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I happen to like Vanessa, she’s probably the nicest, most caring person on the show. Sometimes, I enjoy watching the mean girls like Blair and really boring ones like Serena. The former because she says everything I wouldn’t and the latter because then I can complain about how much I hate her. It’s that simple. I apologize Mara. I love you dearly and let’s not forget that in the Gossip Girl world, I’m probably Dan Humphrey and we all hate Dan Humphrey.

OMFG Part 2

Hi. Let me start by saying, I really liked Gossip Girl last night flaws and all. I think that’s part of the charm for me – pointing out the things that are ridiculous while still relishing in the awesomeness that is Blair Waldorf. Let’s start with the bitching first though, shall we?

1.) Blair would never have been that flustered in her meeting with the Dean. This is Blair fucking Waldorf – the girl who brought down Jenny Humphrey, the girl who single handedly rid the GG world of Duchess Katherine (I miss you, Duchess Katherine) – come on people. While we’re at it, what was up with her hat at the end of the episode. She wouldn’t wear that.

2.) She was totally awesome though in the scene where she put Serena on the spot for killing a dude at the mixer and when she found those ceramic cats. Classic Blair. I loved it.

3.) Serena was a real bitch in this episode. I was on board, but I still hated that it was at Blair’s expense.

4.) Oh yeah, Rufus you should totally let Jenny quit school to follow her dreams at the age of 15 while Blair’s mom breaks all sorts of child labor laws to keep her working there. While we’re at this, why does what Vanessa says matter so much to Rufus? I’ll tell you, because he’s going to sleep with her soon. Hopefully, really soon. Like in the next episode.

5.) I was, however really annoyed with all the Jenny/Rufus stuff. I didn’t care, I still don’t. Total snoozefest. I mean, Jesus the rest of the cast was at this magical fictional college and we have to sleep through this shit? What? That was supposed to be the real Yale. Ha!

6.) Dan’s terrible. I was so happy when he got tied up and humiliated.

7.) Yeah, because cute college girls are really gonna be drawn to some doe-eyed high school senior. I guess it was Chase Crawford though, who I’m told is exceptionally handsome.

8.) At least there was no annoying Dan and Serena stuff.

9.) Chuck’s sweater at the end of the episode, the one with the anchors on it, was awesome.

10.) The reveal about the lipstick cameras and the “I own you” shit, in retrospect not so awesome. I liked it when it happened, but now I think it’s pretty cheese.

11.) Lily and Rufus sitting in a tree B-O-R-I-N-G. (I know it’s one letter less than K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but if you drag out the “B” while singing, it works.)

12.) Serena’s boobs were magnificent in the episode, but really would she ever wear those outfits while visiting an Ivy League school?

13.) While we’re at this, the dean of a school like Yale would never hand write a letter to a socialite begging her to come to visit the school. Ever. You think Paris Hilton ever got one of those letters? Doubtful.

14.) Page Six would have absolutely known who Lily Bass was.

15.) Marc Jacobs should really be re-thinking some things if he’s resorted to naming a bag after someone as bland as Serena Van Der Woodson.

16.) "I hate that headband!" Me too, Serena. Me too.

I guess that’s it. Really fun episode though. Let’s make with Rufus and Vanessa stat, though. Alright GG writers?

All in all, the episode rates a B.

OMFG

All the Gossip Girl peeps that matter are going to visit Yale tonight. In 50 minutes to be exact. I'm really, creepily excited.

True Blood just keeps getting worse

Late last week, I said I was going to do a column called "True Blood quote(s) of the week”. I lied. I’m not doing that column. Why? Because it’s virtually impossible to condense True Blood’s utter wretchedness into a few quotes. It couldn’t possibly do it justice.

Why, then has True Blood become appointment viewing? I wish I had an answer. I’m drawn to it, like Sookie to Bill, like Jason to “V”, like Tara to perpetually pursed lips…

Forget it.

I relish its insincerity. I find its cold, black heart pretty hysterical and I really enjoy the fact that something as serious as a brother slapping the shit out of his sister can be unintentionally hilarious.

My favorite part of last night’s episode came pretty late. Vampire Bill has a dream that Sookie is being choked. He wakes up and runs to her house really fast and then up the stairs even faster. He gets to her, she is sleeping, and in a fit of fear begins saying her name a lot. “Sookie! Sookie! Sookie! Sookie! Sookie!”

It was really funny. Imagine an actor having to repeat the name “Sookie” eight times while running out of breath. I’m realizing now that if you didn’t see it, this description seems pretty bad. If you did see it, hopefully you’re laughing.

Also, would the cops really make - no – would they allow Sookie to clean up the gore and blood of her dead grandmother herself? Maybe, they would. I don’t know, but it struck me as odd.

Oh, and lastly why the fuck was there no bottom crust on that pecan pie? Am I the only one who noticed this?

I'm Rooting For Kenley Again

Here's the thing, this was not on purpose. It just sort of happened. I tried to root for Leanne, but I just can't. She's so boring. And enough with your drum circle, Korto (although, I guess it's not a circle if it's only two people - whatever).

I guess I can't resist Kenley. I think it happened when she kept referring to her father as a tugboat captain. I can't really hear that someone or someone's father is a tugboat captain enough. And then when she defended having the rope on the neck of that dress by pointing out, again, that her father is a tugboat captain - I laughed and got back on the Kenley train (or maybe it's a tugboat).

I'm sorry everyone. I know you want me to root against Kenley, but I can't. I won't.

She's not gonna win anyway.

One more thing, is there any way there is a more wonderful person on this whole planet of Earth than Tim Gunn? I'm pretty sure there's not.

The Worst Movie Trailer Ever

I can't believe this. I have seen the worst trailer I have ever seen. I didn't think anything could top Nim's Island, which I was positive was going to be the worst movie I would never see. But, it's happened and it happened pretty damn quick. I'm gonna stop talking about this and let you see for yourself. Ladies and Gentleman I give you Paul Blart: Mall Cop...



Mark your calendars kids. January 19th to never see Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

I Didn't Watch The Debate

There, I said it. I feel guilty, like a bad uninformed American. I had planned to watch them, too. Hell, I even DVR’d them with the express purpose to watch them - which I’d imagine is the only purpose one has when DVRing anything. I started watching them, too. I put them on. I lasted about twelve minutes and then I said, "I don’t feel like watching the debate" and I turned it off and watched Desperate Housewives, which I DVR’d on Sunday with the express purpose of watching it. I watched it and it was good. I especially liked it when Mrs McClusky was defending herself to Edie’s husband after she made a joke about Edie’s fake boobs. She said “That’s how Edie and I talk to each other, I tell her she’s easier to get into than community college and she tells me my face look like a knee.”

Ha!

That’s way funnier than the debates. The debates are boring and plus, I know who I’m voting for anyway

TV Tuesday!

This is a long one. And there's no pictures. Stay with it though, you'll love it.

So, there was no new Gossip Girl last night, which sucks. I was mad. I think I knew there wasn’t gonna be a new one, like I vaguely remember the “scenes” at the end of last week’s saying “in two weeks” and then they showed an awesome preview and I said something to the effect of, “shit, I don’t know if I can wait two weeks for that.” But then at some point during the week I forgot and was rudely reminded yesterday when there was no Gossip Girl on Adrienne’s Tivo.

What the hell am I supposed to talk about? Well, TV I guess. It is TV day. So, since there was no new Gossip Girl, I’m gonna talk about the worst show on television. Well, not really the worst show, I’m sure that’s reserved for a show I’ve never seen or heard of or is on My Network TV (like that Flavor Flav sitcom, I’d imagine that’s pretty bad), but a show that’s just really bad, yet thinks it’s really good.

No, not Entourage. That’s the second worst show on television.

But, you’re getting warm.

I’m talking about True Blood.

True Blood stinks. It’s almost unwatchable, yet I cannot stop watching it. I marvel at how offensive it is, how inane it is, how poorly written, constructed and acted it is each and every week.

I want to start by asking how on earth Alan Ball gets away with perpetuating gay stereotypes by making it vampires instead of gay people. Is it because he’s gay? Because I don’t think that’s good enough. I think Alan Ball hates himself and his gayness.

Why is it that the only “good” vampire is the vampire that rejects all of his vampiric tendencies. Like, for example he doesn’t condone the hedonistic actions in the vampire (gay) bar. He’s the one “mainstreaming” and not hanging out with his vampire buddies. You know, the one of whom everyone can say “well if they were all like him...”?

And then there’s the other characters who are awful, cloying and narcissistic. The worst offenders are Jason (the sex-crazed redneck brother) and Tara (the sassy black one). A few more stereotypes for you, only this time they're Southern, so they’re even more stupid and louder.

Did you see when Jason couldn’t get rid of his boner? That was hilarious. A Viagra joke. In 2008. Oh True Blood you’re great. But it’s not Viagra, it’s “V” (vampire blood). How subtle Alan Ball. How ever do you think of these things?

While we’re on the topic of an absolute dearth of subtlty, let’s talk about Sam, the sheet sniffing bar owner. I’m going to reveal a spoiler – Sam is a dog. You know that dog that follows Sookie around? Yeah, that’s Sam. Have you not figured it out? Really? It’s pretty easy. First the sheet sniffing and then Tara, after fucking Sam, says “he barks in his sleep” and remember in episode two when the camera pans to that picture of the dog and holds on it for an uncomfortably long period of time as if to say “you really need to be paying attention to this foreshadowing”? Yeah, that’s because Sam is a dog. I repeat…Sam is a dog.

Ha!

One of the main reasons to keep tuning in is for that reveal, which everyone sees coming. I can’t wait for them to try and make a big deal about it and for everyone watching to go “really? A dog? Hmmm.” Or so I’d imagine.

This show is atrocious.

Even Anna Paquin, who is talented can’t sell this hack dialogue. In fact I’m going to start a new column called “True Blood” quote(s) of the week. That should be fun.

And just to rub our noses in it, they kill the grandma last week- the only halfway decent character on the whole show!

It’s really bad.

I hate it.

That’s all

Sarah Palin reviews the new conservative comedy "An American Carol"

Oh well, let me tell ya something I thought it was just great. It was really doggone funny and that Jew director is real Jew maverick. Just like John McCain, who is also a maverick. He's not a Jew though. ISRAEL! James Garner was a maverick once too, when he was on that television show Maverick and also when he was in the movie version of the television show Maverick, also called Maverick, except in the Maverick movie Mel Gibson played Maverick. If they were gonna make a Maverick movie today I’d probably hope they’d cast John McCain to play the Maverick. Because that’s what he is, a maverick. Except this Maverick wouldn’t take place in the old West, no siree Bob, this Maverick would take place in these United States and it would concern drillin' and fightin’ Bill Ayers…and mavericks.

Saturday Afternoon Movies

I watched the movie “Drive Me Crazy” with my lovely girlfriend Adrienne this weekend. If you don’t remember “Drive Me Crazy” allow me to give you a brief rundown…

“Drive Me Crazy” is a movie that was named specifically for a Brittney Spears song. It stars Melissa Joan Hart and Adrien Grenier as high-school students and next door neighbors. They are both dumped, I think, by their significant others and decide to pretend date to get their exes jealous.

Here’s the rub, Melissa Joan Hart is super preppy and popular while Grenier is edgy and nonconformist, you can figure this out because he likes the Donnas, or the Electrocutes as they’re known in the movie.

Obviously they fall in love at the end. It’s a really bad movie, but there are two things about it I’d like to discuss.

First there is an exchange between Adrien Grenier and his ex, played by Ali Larter that I really loved. They meet up at this club where Grenier has shown up with Melissa Joan Hart. It’s a totally non-conformist rock club, you can figure this out because the Donnas are playing there, or the Electrocutes as they’re known in the movie. Anyway, Ali Larter is there with a new dude who is like totes all over her and Grenier says “I didn’t expect you to fall in love.” And Ali Larter responds, “Yeah well I didn’t expect you to fall into the Gap.”

Ha! Because Melissa Joan Hart is totally preppy and all school spirit, you know.

It was awesome. The people who made this movie knew full well that it’s shelf life was so short that they didn’t even bat an eye putting in a pop culture reference that would be dated the next year.

I loved it.

Moving on.

At the end Melissa Joan Hart and Adrien Grenier fall in love and laugh and dance, but they find out that their parents are also in love and that they’re moving in together.

I thought that was a weird twist. It happens in the last second and really didn’t seem to need it. I just kept going over different scenarios. Like, would this help them to have a lot of sex or hinder them. Would they play it cool or just fuck all the time. Further, they are now going to be step brother and step sister, presumably (though it never is stated that the parents are marrying, but if they’re moving in it’s implied) which is totally weird, especially considering they’re only seniors in high school which means they are definitely going to break up. Without a doubt. But they’re still going to have to live life as step brother and step sister. How awkward is that gonna be?

I want to write the sequel. Bad.

I don’t think there is a market for it though.

After “Drive Me Crazy”, we watched “Wrath of Khan.” It was better.