Monday, October 20, 2008

Because I got a demon inside me, that's why.

I’m really starting to enjoy writing about True Blood. I don’t enjoy watching True Blood nearly as much, but I have to say the unintended camp factor is starting to get me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate True Blood…fully and absolutely, but it has become a case of “the show I love to hate.”

Maybe it’s pompous of me, maybe I’m being condescending but really I don’t care. True Blood makes me feel better about myself. It makes me feel smart. So thank you Alan Ball for creating a show so devoid of intelligence and honest emotion, a show chock full of characters so vapid and loathsome that they make Nate Archibald look like Lou Grant. Oh thank you, Alan Ball, thank you so much.

Now on to the nonsense - I submit to you the scene wherein Tara’s demon infested mother attempts to get a bank loan to fund her exorcism as perhaps one of the worst scenes in recent television memory (is that real – recent television memory? Whatevs) I can’t really get into it if you haven’t seen it, but it had all the hallmarks of awful True Blood moments – overwrought, poorly acted, stinking of faux-righteousness. I can’t shake it. I’m pretty sure that whenever I think about True Blood from here on out, I will think of that scene. - a scene that has nothing to do with vampires.

Speaking of vampires, every time Bill comes on screen I say “Sookie” with that same breathy delivery much to the chagrin, I’m sure, of Adrienne, who I think still kind of likes the show.

In case her mentioning it around 1,000 times in last night’s episode wasn’t enough – Tara’s mom has "a demon inside her".

I fell asleep during the exorcism. Literally. There was an exorcism on a television show and it was so boring that I fell asleep during it.

Apparently Tara’s living with "a demon inside her" as well. Maybe that’s true but the real demon is whoever dresses that poor actress. She always looks pregnant. I honestly cannot tell if she’s pretty or not.

You know who is pretty though? Lizzy Caplan (and she bears a strong resemblance to the WWE wrestler Melina – google image it) and I already feel bad for her. I shit you not, she doesn’t have ten minutes of screen time before Alan Ball gets her topless and on top of that no-talent actor who plays Jason.

I’m going to be getting on a soapbox here for a minute. I apologize in advance...

There’s no question that the vampires on True Blood are unsubtle stand-ins for gay people. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s really starting to rub me the wrong way. How are gay people not utterly offended by this show? How has GLAAD not put out a statement urging gay people all over the country to boycott this show. Let me put this in perspective – the vampires on True Blood are unrepentant sexual deviants who use mind control and other underhanded tricks to capture humans, drink their blood and keep them around as slaves of sorts until they’ve run out of use for them at which time the vampires just kill these people. Defenders of this show will probably point towards Bill to make their point that the show is not homophobic. To which I will reply, one semi-decent character doesn’t cut it when every single other vampire on the show is utterly and inarguably evil. Wasn't this show supposed to open our eyes to our ignorance regarding homosexuals in this country. Weren't we supposed to be rooting for the vampires? When those rednecks threw all the Molotov cocktails into the vamp nest last night, I kind of cheered. I mean, the vampires on this show are really bad.

Oh and in case the metaphorical gays weren’t bad enough, the one actual gay person is a drug dealing asshole who videotapes himself dancing in a gold thong and then presumably sells the tapes or puts them on the internet.

Is this how the openly gay Alan Ball views himself and other gay people? If so, this dude needs therapy.

What else? What else? What else? Oh Sam was running in a field naked. Because he’s that dog. Everyone knows. Reveal it already.

Sookie's uncle molested her and this reveal gets the award for True Blood quote of the week:

(paraphrased as I didn't actually write it down)

Bill: "What did he do?"
Sookie: "Just touching, not as bad as some girls got."

Runner-up: Tara to Sam regarding her relationships

Tara: "Maybe I'm just unboyfriendable."

I suspect it's those matronly tops, Tara. Nothing more.

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