TV Tuesday!

This is a long one. And there's no pictures. Stay with it though, you'll love it.

So, there was no new Gossip Girl last night, which sucks. I was mad. I think I knew there wasn’t gonna be a new one, like I vaguely remember the “scenes” at the end of last week’s saying “in two weeks” and then they showed an awesome preview and I said something to the effect of, “shit, I don’t know if I can wait two weeks for that.” But then at some point during the week I forgot and was rudely reminded yesterday when there was no Gossip Girl on Adrienne’s Tivo.

What the hell am I supposed to talk about? Well, TV I guess. It is TV day. So, since there was no new Gossip Girl, I’m gonna talk about the worst show on television. Well, not really the worst show, I’m sure that’s reserved for a show I’ve never seen or heard of or is on My Network TV (like that Flavor Flav sitcom, I’d imagine that’s pretty bad), but a show that’s just really bad, yet thinks it’s really good.

No, not Entourage. That’s the second worst show on television.

But, you’re getting warm.

I’m talking about True Blood.

True Blood stinks. It’s almost unwatchable, yet I cannot stop watching it. I marvel at how offensive it is, how inane it is, how poorly written, constructed and acted it is each and every week.

I want to start by asking how on earth Alan Ball gets away with perpetuating gay stereotypes by making it vampires instead of gay people. Is it because he’s gay? Because I don’t think that’s good enough. I think Alan Ball hates himself and his gayness.

Why is it that the only “good” vampire is the vampire that rejects all of his vampiric tendencies. Like, for example he doesn’t condone the hedonistic actions in the vampire (gay) bar. He’s the one “mainstreaming” and not hanging out with his vampire buddies. You know, the one of whom everyone can say “well if they were all like him...”?

And then there’s the other characters who are awful, cloying and narcissistic. The worst offenders are Jason (the sex-crazed redneck brother) and Tara (the sassy black one). A few more stereotypes for you, only this time they're Southern, so they’re even more stupid and louder.

Did you see when Jason couldn’t get rid of his boner? That was hilarious. A Viagra joke. In 2008. Oh True Blood you’re great. But it’s not Viagra, it’s “V” (vampire blood). How subtle Alan Ball. How ever do you think of these things?

While we’re on the topic of an absolute dearth of subtlty, let’s talk about Sam, the sheet sniffing bar owner. I’m going to reveal a spoiler – Sam is a dog. You know that dog that follows Sookie around? Yeah, that’s Sam. Have you not figured it out? Really? It’s pretty easy. First the sheet sniffing and then Tara, after fucking Sam, says “he barks in his sleep” and remember in episode two when the camera pans to that picture of the dog and holds on it for an uncomfortably long period of time as if to say “you really need to be paying attention to this foreshadowing”? Yeah, that’s because Sam is a dog. I repeat…Sam is a dog.

Ha!

One of the main reasons to keep tuning in is for that reveal, which everyone sees coming. I can’t wait for them to try and make a big deal about it and for everyone watching to go “really? A dog? Hmmm.” Or so I’d imagine.

This show is atrocious.

Even Anna Paquin, who is talented can’t sell this hack dialogue. In fact I’m going to start a new column called “True Blood” quote(s) of the week. That should be fun.

And just to rub our noses in it, they kill the grandma last week- the only halfway decent character on the whole show!

It’s really bad.

I hate it.

That’s all